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Devil Doll: Hi again, and welcome to another edition of Ask Logan, the only advice column where a genuine mutant-superhero-harem-boy solves your most pressing problems.
Logan: *snorts*
Devil Doll: "What?"
Logan: "Nuthin'"
Devil Doll: "Do we need to have another talk about your attitude?"
Logan: "No." *sulks*
Devil Doll: "Okay, then."
Logan: "You know, this'd be a lot more fun if you'd come over here and sit on my lap while I'm answerin' these dumb questions."
Devil Doll: "I doubt it. Ready?"
Logan: *sulks some more* "I s'pose."
Dear Logan,
Someone paid me a compliment, or I think they did, but it was really kind of insulting, even though they didn't mean it that way.
How should I respond?
Signed,
Puzzled in Paris
Logan: "Huh. Well, first off, just because a guy tries to compliment you and it don't turn out right, that doesn't mean he didn't mean it. What women need to understand is that—"
Devil Doll: "Logan, how do you know that Puzzled is a woman and that the person who gave the compliment is a man? It doesn't say that in the letter…"
Logan: "Oh, c'mon. It's obvious! This kind of crap happens to us guys all the time. We say stuff that we think chicks wanna hear, but it really makes 'em cry or somethin'."
Devil Doll: "Well, yes, that is true…"
Logan: "Trust me on this, darlin'. I know what I'm talkin' about."
Devil Doll: "Okay."
Logan: "Okay. Anyway. So if he told ya that ya got a nice rack or somethin', you should just be happy that he thinks ya got a nice rack, and not worry that he didn't say it all fancy and shit."
*prolonged silence*
*Logan puffs on his cigar, seemingly oblivious*
Devil Doll: "Um, is there anything else you'd like to add?"
Logan: "Huh? What, we're not done with this one yet?"
Devil Doll: "I don't think so. Don't you have any suggestions? How she should respond, that sort of thing?"
Logan: "Well, you should definitely thank him for the compliment, even if he did kinda screw it up. And when it comes to showing your gratitude, you can't go wrong with some sorta sexual favor."
Devil Doll: "What a surprise. Is that all?"
Logan: "What, you think I should make some specific suggestions? I mean, I don't know what this guy likes or anything…"
Devil Doll: "No, no, I think that's sufficient."
Logan: "Okay. Who's next?"
Dear Logan:
My girlfriend thinks we should move in together, but I'm not so sure that's a good idea. I guess I kind of want to, but I kind of don't. What do you think I should do?
Signed,
Uncertain
Logan: "Listen, Uncertain, the first thing you need to do is double-check that your girlfriend means that just the two of you should live together, not the two of you plus five other guys, 'cuz that's a freakin' pain in the ass. Trust me."
Devil Doll: "Oh, like you have it so rough."
Logan: *ignores her* "You should also make sure the two of you are gonna be sleepin' in the same bed. If not, you're gettin' a raw deal."
Devil Doll: "Geez! Do you ever think of anything but sex?"
Logan: "No." *thinks* "Yes. Sometimes I think about killin' that Cajun."
Devil Doll: "Hey! That's not very nice!"
Logan: "Can I finish here?"
Devil Doll: *miffed* "Oh, certainly. Don't let me interfere."
Logan: "As I was sayin', the trick here is to make sure you got all the details worked out up front. Just the two of you, one bedroom, no Cajuns. Oh, and make sure that you ain't movin' into a mansion owned by some crazy bald guy who's gonna want you to put on funny clothes and get your ass kicked on a regular basis. I can't stress this enough."
Devil Doll: "Now are you finished?'' *still miffed*
Logan: "Almost. I just wanna tell him that if you get all that stuff squared away, then I think you should go ahead and shack up, because havin' your girl around all the time is pretty nice." *nods*
Devil Doll: "Awww. That's sweet." *sniffs*
Logan: "Damn right it is. We done now?"
Devil Doll: "Well. . .we did have one more, but I suppose we can be done."
Logan: "Good. I got important business to take care of." *gets up and heads for the door*
Devil Doll: "The Price Is Right is on, you mean." *follows*
Logan: "Hey! I only watch that for the chicks!"
Devil Doll: "Right." *pauses* "You don't really think about killing Remy, do you?"
Logan: "Sure I do."
*door slams*
The End
Have a problem only Logan can solve? Send it to ask_logan@yahoo.com
Thanks to Victoria and Cara for the questions!
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